


You must be numb

by saekoarmy



Category: Original Work
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst and Porn, BL, Character Death, Choking, Despair, Hurt No Comfort, Masturbation, Multi, No Romance, Sex, Smut, Somehow, Underage Drinking, Underage Sex, boyslove, mention of masturbation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-11
Updated: 2019-06-11
Packaged: 2020-04-24 17:11:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19177762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saekoarmy/pseuds/saekoarmy
Summary: It was like - it felt like his heart had suddenly stopped beating and instead of doing so, it got hard and heavy in his chest and fell out of his small, frailge body.In that moment, something told him to jump, so he did.He was drowning, his head deep in the sea.





	You must be numb

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [You must be numb](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/489658) by saekoarmy. 



It's been weeks since Rei had been hospitalized for, perhaps, eighth time in his life - and he was barely twenty one-. But it felt like _months._

Sweaty-boring-hot-summer months in which he had to change his position in bed several times due the heat he felt, every time he would lay on one side for too long.

He had nothing to do in this heat. It wasn't like he could have just gotten up and leave the hospital. It wasn't like he was able to walk on his own.

The only thing he had left to do _alone_ was reading the same books over and over again, watching stupid drama shows on the TV, maybe going downstairs to walk around the little park the hospital owned, sleep and masturbate -without getting caught of course-. What was even on your mind when he thought that?

Even though he had already been through his last surgery for this and the upcoming year, he still hadn't got his official premission to finally leave this hell on earth, yet and he was frustrated. Really frustrated. He could have cried the whole stay there. He deeply missed his fridge, his TV, movies and also computer, which he used to play games, watch series, send and receive E-mails and also watch porn with.

He wasn't allowed to leave this hell without being in the need of constant help.

 

Rei didn't feel sick, he never felt sick, but yet he had to stay in this hospital for so many weeks. He didn't even go to college anymore after that. He never came back too see those faces again. Never again. So he was basically a college drop-out, which was already upsetting him a lot. The young man used to be such a good, hard working student, but after the time he was diagnosed with a heart disease, his life went downhill. _It was useless to live_ , he thought at this point. It wasn't like he had gotten depressed after he was diagnosed, just the thought of dying faster than his friends, his family, made him sick.

 

He was still the same, grumpy and annoyed person after all, right? Yeah, maybe he was, maybe he was the same after all, but he was scared, scared of the sharp reality he would have to face before he dies alone, _lonely_ and _alone._ His self-image changed to him in some way. It was something in his young brain that had changed before he almost passed away in sixth grade. It was a bone chilling feeling he had felt. It felt so _gross._

It was like - it felt like his heart had suddenly stopped beating and instead of doing so, it got hard and heavy in his chest and fell out of his small, frailge body.  
In that moment, something told him to jump, so he did.

He was drowning, his head deep in the sea. 

It was the first and the last time that had happened, he hoped. He hoped for it not to happen again, every time before went to bed. It was hopefully the first and the last time he'd experience how it was like to suddenly shut down and almost die.

After that, he feared death, he had always feared death, but after this moment, he couldn't think of anything else ever again. It was dark, felt crowded and he was dizzy.

 

_He had almost passed away that day._

_Death became his biggest enemy._

 

 

 

 

_"Rei?"_

 

"Rei, are you even listening?"

That's when the young, grumpy and also kinda sweaty man in the wheelchair realised, how spaced out he was, when his other friend, Maru, was talking to him. For a short amount of time, he even had forgotten that he was there with him. Maru's bright, but also somehow _deep_ and _dark_ eyes had already pierced Rei's eyes, as he slowly sat down on the bank next to both of them, not moving an inch. It looked almost intimidating how concerned he looked in his smaller friend's face. Rei on the other hand didn't even respond at first, but only brought a small _"there."_ out of his dry throat. The older one immediately pointed at a nurse with a kinda short skirt, a few meter next to them. Rei already knew who she was, though. But he didn't dare to say her name because it would have been so awkard to see her reaction, if she heard them.

At least he managed to finally break the dead silence between the younger boy and him.

Even though it was a lie that he was thinking about her, at least he wouldn't have to answer his question like a honest person. Because it would have been weird to respond something like _"Oh, I was just thinking about_ _death, and you?"_ or whatever he thought he was thinking.

Maru started giggling quietly. "Yeah, she looks hot, but I bet she is already in her late twenty's, which means she is too old for both of us.", his best friend said, almost whispering in his ear, _even though it was clear that she wouldn't have heard us, anyway._ , Rei thought.

The subject _women_ wasn’t exactly uncomfortable to talk about, but Rei had still the urge to change the god damn subject as fast as possible. It wasn't because he wasn't interested in them, it was because he had never been in love with someone. It was stupid to fall in love at this age, anyway.

He had already wasted his entire life fearing death, anyway.

 

It was useless, pointless, stupid. Loving in his body, in this short amount of time he had left to live was suddenly so pointless.

 

The young man never thought he would change his way of loving something _deeply,_ not before he dies.

 

It was useless. His time on earth was limited and he was already running out of space, of time, of air. Rei was drowning in a so called black sea

 

 

and he was about to die.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I apologise for any grammar mistakes, but english isn't my first language and I am still not fluent in it.
> 
> This is actually a translation I had posted on Wattpad a long time ago and this is basically a translation (from english to german) and also a remake of it with a bit better story line.


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